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| Discussing erectile dysfunction (ED) with your partner |
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Written by Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist and Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach
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Do you think you're developing
erectile dysfunction (impotence)? Presumably you are worried, because otherwise you wouldn't be reading this
factsheet.
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Term watch
Though we use words like
'wife', which are appropriate to heterosexual couples,
the advice we give is equally applicable to gay couples.
If a gay guy develops erection problems, he too needs to
talk to his partner. Failure to communicate will only lead to trouble.
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Now, here's a vital point we'd like to stress to
you: you should talk about your worries with your
partner.
This may not be very easy for you. In the UK, we have a habit of keeping emotional things to ourselves.
In our own clinical practice, again and again
we've seen men who are having potency problems, but who say: 'I
couldn't possibly tell my wife/girlfriend about it.'
What happens if you don't talk to your partner?
From long experience, we can tell you that if a man
doesn't talk to his partner about his difficulties, the results can be
disastrous.
Why? Well, for a start, let's look at the likely effects
on your partner.
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She will almost certainly feel puzzled and confused by the fact
that her man doesn't seem to want to have sex with her.
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She may well feel scorned.
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She may think that she is no longer attractive.
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She may think there is something repulsive about her
body.
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Very frequently, she'll assume that her man
has found another woman and is having an affair.
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Sometimes she assumes that he is so sexually exhausted by
this 'affair', he no longer has any energy to make love to
her.
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Some women who are convinced their man is being unfaithful decide to 'retaliate' by starting affairs of their
own.
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Occasionally, a female partner decides that her husband has
become gay.
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Sometimes, she decides that she wants a divorce.
So you can see that failing to take your partner into your
confidence can be very distressing for her - and can have a very bad effect on
your relationship.
You need your partner's help
Another reason why you should talk to your partner about your
problem is this. You need her help, for several reasons.
Firstly, it's good to have your partner's emotional
support. It is very important to know that the person who you love, and who
loves you, is on your side in dealing with this difficulty. Now there will be
two people fighting this battle.
Your partner can help you to get erections. Various forms of stimulation by a woman can help a man get a
hard-on when otherwise he wouldn't manage it. Such help could
include stimulation with the hands, the breasts or the mouth. Simply sucking on a penis will often give it an erection when all
else fails.
Your wife can accompany you when you go to see a doctor. Virtually all
experts agree that in cases of erectile dysfunction (ED), the outlook for the
man is generally better if his partner can come to the consultation with him,
and support him.
How can you tell your partner?
Often there is no problem about telling your partner,
because she has already noticed it. Frequently, the man needs to explain the
situation to his wife/girlfriend, yet doesn't know how, or what words to
use. Good opening phrases include:
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'There's something I need to talk to you
about.'
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'I've been having a bit of trouble with my personal
parts/intimate bits/wedding tackle/sex organs.' Use whichever phrase feels
comfortable for you.
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'The fact is that during the last few days/weeks/months,
I haven't been able to get an erection/get it up/make
love.'
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'I'm going to do something about it - and I'd
very much like your help.'
Reassuring your partner
It's very, very important to reassure your partner
that:
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you still love her
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you still find her very attractive
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the problem is not connected with her in any way
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there's no suggestion that you would prefer somebody
else
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the problem can be successfully treated these days by
medication and other means
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you are determined to get it treated.
What should you do if there are strains in your
relationship?
There's no doubt that erectile dysfunction puts a big
strain on many relationships. Either partner or both may start showing signs of stress. When
this happens, it's important that the two of you seek help.
Don't try and muddle through alone. Ask your GP about the
possibility of some helpful counselling.
If matters are bad, it is well worth talking to
Relate – a support organisation with
a great track record in helping couples whose relationship is affected by
ED. If you live north of the border, the
equivalent organisation is Relate Scotland
which was formerly known as Couple Counselling Scotland.
Look in any phone book for the nearest branch of either of
these organisations. Both offer experienced, low-cost counselling. The
fees they charge are calculated according to your means, so don't
let anxiety about money stand in the way of getting good support.
Further help can be obtained from the organisation called The
Sexual Dysfunction
Association (formerly known as The Impotence Association). Its
helpline is: 0870 7743571.
Summing up
If you're running into difficulties with erections, the
worst thing you can do is bottle it up.
Whatever you do, make sure you talk to a doctor as well as your
partner.
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Last updated 12.11.2008
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